Subject: Things We Have Learned From Movie


1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well  within the price range of most people whether they are employed or not.

 2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which  wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override  the communications system of any invading alien society.

5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently  to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening  manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in  your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly  bluish.

7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become  a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally  gunned down three days before their retirement.

 9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery  involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at  least 20 minutes to escape.

10.During all police investigations, it will be necessary  to visit a strip club at least once.

11.All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level  on the man lying beside her.

12.All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. 

13.It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is  someone in the control tower to talk you down.

14.Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while  scuba diving.

15.You're very likely to survive any battle in any war  unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of  your sweetheart back home.

16.Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or  Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the  language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German.)

17.The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

18.A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his  wounds.

19.If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

20.If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate  any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

 21.Word processors never display a cursor on screen but  will always say: Enter Password Now.

22.Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from  left to right every few moments. Tires will squeal on any surface, at any speed.

23.All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with  large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

24.A detective can only solve a case once he has been  suspended from duty.

25.If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

26.Police departments give their officers personality tests  to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 

27.When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer  to speak to each other in English.

28. In the movies you hardly run out of bullets and you can stand out in the open and kill bad guys with a pistol while they miss you completely with their AK 47's.  

Un'altra da Pam:

WHAT I LEARNED IN DIVERSITY TRAINING


*  She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

*   She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

*   She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

*   She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

*   She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

*   She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

*   She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD
DISPLACEMENT.

*   She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

*   She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

*   She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

*   She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.

*   She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

*   She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

*   She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

*   She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

*   She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

*   She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

Subject:   Beware of The Following Viruses

Ellen Degeneres virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Your IBM suddenly claims it's
a  MAC.

Monica Lewinsky virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Sucks all the memory out of
your  computer.

Titanic virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Makes your whole computer go
down.

 Disney virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Everything in the computer
goes goofy.

Mike Tyson virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Screws up your RAM but your
processor doesn't care.

Lorena Bobbit virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Turns your disk into a 3.5
inch  floppy.

Woody Allen virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> By-passes the motherboard and
 turns on a daughter card.

Joey Buttafuoco virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Only attacks minor files.

Spice Girl virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Has no real function, but
makes  a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Saves your data, but forgets
where  it is stored.

Dr. Kevorkian virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Searches your drive for old
files and deletes them.

Oprah Winfrey virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly
shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB.

AT&T virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Every 3 minutes it tells you
what  great service you are getting.

MCI virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Every 3 minutes it reminds you
that  you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus >>>>>>>>>>> Terminates and stays
resident.  It'll be back.

Viagra virus >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive.

Then there is the Clinton PC >>>>>>>>>>>> It has a six inch hard
drive  and no memory.

E queste, mi furono inviate da un'altra americana, Regan

The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying
--------------------------------------------------

Ho ricevuto talmente tanti jokes dai miei amici oltremanica e oltreoceano negli ultimi 8 anni, ossia da quando ho iniziato a navigare in Internet,  che questo è il posto giusto dove archiviarli. Tra l'altro alcuni sono decisamente spassosi.

Inizio con una serie che mi fu inviata da Pamela, un'americana con un gran senso dell'umorismo. Sono tutte battute raggruppabili sotto il titolo inequivocabile di Chauvinist

-  Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
 Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able
 to support you.
 
Why do woman have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.. 
  
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? 
When she starts her sentance with "A man once told me...."
  
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.... 
  
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in... 
  
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart....
  
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None... It should be open by the time she brings it... 
  
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? 
A woman who won't do what she's told... 
  
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always... 
  
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months 
I don't like to interrupt her...
  
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? 
Divorced...
  
Why do men pass gas more than woman?
 Because woman won't shut up long enough to build up pressure... 
  
Bigamy is having one wife too many. 
Some say monogamy is the same....
  
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.... A wedding cake...